In Ep. 28 we get an apology from a Vatican PR specialist, we meet the guy who invented Simon Says, and we do some “Fair and Balanced” reporting on what’s gospel and what’s not
Part 1 [05:03] - In which we listen in on a game of Vatican telephone, hear about the earliest Marvel comic book ever written, and pick up some titillating bit of gospel, er, I mean gossip
Part 2 [12:24] - In which we do some “Fair and Balanced” reporting
Part 3 [21:04] - In which we get the deets on the first ever game of Simon Says
Part 4 [25:02] - In which we get chased off the Vatican lawn, and find out how they dealt with January 6th two thousand years ago
[welcome to this podcast]
[hello. is there somebody there? can you hear me? you're scaring me.]
[the following presentation is intended only for immature audiences]
😇 🎶 heavenly choir 🎶 😇
["And God said 'Let there be F-Bombs' — And they were good — And they multiplied — Right here, in this podcast"]
[I like it!!!]
🧨 🧨 🧨 [nuclear blast] 💥︎ 💥︎ 💥︎
🎶 dramatic organ music 🎶
🎶 🔔 deep church bell 🔔 🎶
Bless me fader, for I have sinned... it’s been about 2 weeks since my last episode...
[thank you for bringing this to our attention. Management will contact you soon]
[this is gonna suck]
🎶 Anachronist 🎶
Hey there... Welcome back to the Hansel and Gretel Code... This here is Episode 28...
[I hope this is worth it]
[yes, this is amazing. I am totally impressed by everything that is happening here]
In our last episode we talked about the two camps that every miracle worker from the bible got thrown into:
Camp Holy, Holy where guys like Moses and all the apostles must have learned how to perform signs and work miracles... and Camp Runamuck, er I mean Camp Simon, which was named after Simon Magus...
the bible said that Camp Simon was on the wrong side of the lake, and that nobody over there could perform signs and work miracles... all they ever did there was sorcery and magic... and, uh, boasting... they did a lot of boasting...
[when in doubt look in your own canoe. Paddle away!]
not boating... boasting... you know...
[of all the worst possible things!]
eh, come on... when you know you’re good, what’s wrong with letting everyone else know too...
[I’m handsome, I’m fast, I’m pretty, and can’t possibly be beat!]
[exactly]
well, despite all the animosity in the bible’s 😇😇 [Fair and Balanced] ⚖️⚖️ reporting, we still figured that Simon, the apostles, and every other holy, holy guy from the bible had to have been an honest to god Theurgist...
[Jesus Christ!]
yeah, him too... [what?]
no matter which camp they fell into each and every one of them could perform the exact same sort of miracles... yet according to the bible, hanging out in Camp Simon was a Big Bozo No No. And no, that wasn’t because Simon’s campers got to enjoy free love, baby...
[ooh, I like that!]
it was only because the Vatican bosses said: "because I said so..."
[boo]
still, despite playing the tyrannical trump card of parental authority, the Vatican did make an effort to win hearts and minds...
way back in the 2nd century, their propaganda, er I mean PR department started a very clever and very lengthy smear campaign, er, I mean game of telephone... in it, those initial biblical slurs and rumors about Simon passed from writer to writer to writer until everyone in Christendom came to believe that Simon — along with every other Theurgist outside the Vatican franchise — was in league with the devil...
🎶 Inquisition splash 🎶
[oh absolutely]
[I got 99 problems, but the devil ain’t one]
*🎶*🎶*
PART ONE [05:03]
TEIL EINS: In which we listen in on a game of Vatican telephone, hear about the earliest Marvel comic book ever written, and pick up some titillating bit of gospel, er, I mean gossip
[MaryAnn, I’ve been talking here and we’re trying to get things figured out and we don’t know if the hot tub thing is gonna work out for us or not.]
[oh my!]
so, deep down in this rabbit hole of Theurgy, the Cumean Sibyl is gonna introduce us to one of the earliest stars of that centuries long game of telephone... and here he is, Justin Martyr (c. AD 100 – c. AD 165)...
🤡🤓👹
Time for another gratuitous aside:
as far as Justin's name goes: if the object of Theurgy and aim of Theurgists was / is to return the soul to its divine origin in this lifetime, i.e. pre-mortem as opposed to post-mortem... way back then, guys like Justin, who had no aptitude for Theurgy often opted for the technology of martyrdom to achieve the same result... in fact, given the fact that dead saints still have to perform signs and work miracles in order to get elected into the club... well...
🤡🤓👹
[gibberish]
uh, what’s that...?
[more gibberish]
huh?
[read my lips]
Justin wants us to know that he wasn’t no goddamned Theurgist...and he doesn’t give interviews...
[a real wimp]
well, that’s okay... it’s just as well... I’m not very good at interviewing people, but I do enjoy reading between the lines of stuff they wrote... and around the year 155 CE Justin mentioned Simon in one his most famous texts: something known as his First Apology...
[I’m sorry]
yeah well, Justin wasn’t apologizing... this apology thing was more of a long op ed defending Christianity against persecution... actually, it was a kind of “Christian Lives Matter” petition that the Roman emperor it was addressed to probably never bothered to read...
[not good]
Justin was one of the first ever Vatican PR specialists... and in mentioning Simon, he probably figured he knew more about him than anyone else, since they both came from the same neck of the woods in Samaria... still, he lived about a hundred years after Simon, so all he was doing was playing telephone... he didn’t bother to play Simon Says
instead he passed on this little tidbit:
...there is Simon, a certain Samaritan...who...by his magic arts with the powers of darkness, did such wonderful feats in the imperial city of Rome, that he gained the reputation of a god...
*** 📚🤓 Nerd Alert
you can read the quote for yourself HERE on archive.org
***
🎶 they call me a god 🎶
[I will follow you like your shadow]
so, Justin, where did you get the idea of this business of miracles in Rome...? were you just making it up...?
[gibberish]
alright alright... no interviews... I got it...
well, it’s obvious that you were just repeating that miracle business from someone else up the line... some anonymous somebody had already written a very long piece about Simon and called it the Acts of Peter... and this Acts of Peter thing was one of five books about the Apostles that never made it into the bible...
[why not?]
well, that’s probably because of the wild and crazy miracles in it...
[huh?]
as far as I can tell, the Acts really should be called the Adventures of Peter, since it reads more like a Marvel comic book than anything else...
[oh very nice]
so the Vatican bosses must have thought the whole thing was a little too fictional to sign off on it as, uh gospel...
[what?]
hey, for one thing, it has St. Peter showing off such pious and holy, miracle powers as making dogs and babies speak like adult humans...
[little dog barking]
[I don’t think I’m tall enough]
and then it has Simon using the kind of Wu Shu power you might remember from “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon...” you know, flying...
[yes! put your hands up in the air!]
in the story Simon and Peter are having a contest to prove who is really holier than thou... so when Simon starts flying around the rooftops of Rome, Peter sends up a bat signal, er, calls on God to send some muscle and make him stop...
[uh oh]
[you do the job because the job has to be done. capeesh?]
next thing you know Simon’s writhing on the ground with broken kneecaps...
[ouch]
you can read the Adventures of, er, I mean, the Acts of Peter for yourself online... they’re pretty entertaining...
so even though Justin was mostly copying and pasting, he was still one of the earliest links in that millenia long game of telephone and as such he might have been the first guy to pass on the rumor that:
...a certain Helena who strolled about with (Simon)...had been a common prostitute....
[well, then!]
and while there’s good evidence that Simon did, indeed, hang with a former sex worker... let’s not forget that Mary Magdalen, the, uh friend of Jesus, had a reputation as a former, uh, um, working girl...
[yes, I know]
of course, the Mary Magdalen thing wasn’t smoking gun factual... it was just a titillating bit of biblical gossip until Pope St. Gregory (540 - 640) turned it into a titillating bit of gospel...
back in the 6th Century (591 CE) Gregory gave one humdinger of a sermon in which he called Mary Magdalen a reformed, er,... you know... and, well, popes ARE supposed to be infallible, right... ?
[yes, sir!]
now I don’t wanna cast no aspersions, but whether or not Mary and Jesus did actually know each other in a uh, biblical manner...
[we’re just friends]
they sure did hang together, so I think you can see where I’m going with that sort of argument...
[you’re disgusting!]
yeah, yeah...
*🎶*🎶*
PART TWO [12:27]
TEIL ZWEI: In which we do some “Fair and Balanced” reporting
😇😇 [fair and balanced questioning] ⚖️⚖️
[uh, that’s not funny]
well, before we go any further down this tunnel of Theurgy, I do wanna mention another, um, 😇😇 [fair and balanced] ⚖️⚖️ report from around the same time period as Justin... it comes from another pious Christian apologist known as Origen... (beats me how he pronounced it himself...)
Origen wrote a ridiculously long and nasty opinion piece (Origen: Contra Celsum ~248 CE) in response to another ridiculously long and nasty op ed by a guy named Celsus (Celsus: The True Word ~180 CE)...
*** 📚🤓 Nerd Alert
feel free to browse Origen's Contra Celsum on archive.org HERE or HERE
you can't browse The True Word of Celsus since it never survived the censors / or at least the passage of time, but Hendrik van der Loos gives an interesting (and less 😇😇 [fair and balanced] ⚖️⚖️ ) account of it HERE in his book titled: The Miracles of Jesus
***
and I don’t know what’s with these guys, but neither one has agreed to an interview...
[damn]
so this Celsus character, he apparently saw what I saw when I began wondering what possible difference there could have been between the holy miracle workers of the bible and Theurgists in general... because as far as I can tell, there isn’t any...
Celsus though, twisted that simple, logical conclusion back into a typically contentious and sanctimonious religious pretzel by claiming that Jesus was a sorcerer who performed his miracles by way of Goetia —
[what’s that?]
that’s the dark form of Theurgic magic attributed to the power of demons...
[well, she had demons I guess like everyone has demons]
[hmm]
you remember Goetia from back in episode 25 right...?
[no!]
well, all you need to know is while Celsus insisted that the miracles and magic performed by Jesus were all A SHAM, A TRICK, AND A HUMBUG PERPETRATED BY DEMONS!, Christian apologists like Origen and Justin Martyr insisted that the miracles and magic performed by Theurgists like Simon, were allA SHAM, A TRICK, AND A HUMBUG PERPETRATED BY DEMONS!
[oh that’s alotta fake news, whoa!]
Okay, I’ve got a confession to make... what I just said isn’t exactly true...
[uh, excuse you]
yeah, well, if I’m gonna be 😇😇 [Fair and Balanced] ⚖️⚖️ about reporting these historical facts to you, I’ve gotta admit that Celsus actually believed the miracles performed by Jesus were the real deal... he just claimed that they came about through the power of demons...
[that’s just made up]
Origen too, seemed to believe that the miracles of ordinary Theurgists like Simon were real — just terribly unwholesome, if not downright evil... because for him, guys like Simon were sorcerers whose considerable powers of Divination, of Astrology, of Healing, and probably even of flying, was all the work of demons...
[Oh my God. I wish I had my curse. and I know I’m drunk so I’m gonna be a little bit bad, but if I had my curse...! I could just fly around and shoot people. Oh my God.]
[good heavens, what a terrible curse!]
[ahem]
as I said in Episode 27, herein lies the crux of the matter of Theurgy, Magic and Miracles... not to mention a whole shitload of medieval history...
the object of Theurgy was never to make statues move or give you the superpower to go flying around rooftops... and it certainly wasn’t to turn water into wine or even take a nice little stroll across the lake...
sure, it was all pretty miraculous and sensational, and must have impressed the crap out of people who thought maybe they could sign up for camp and learn how to do all that stuff themselves...
[I like that!]
the object of Theurgy was to return your soul to its divine origin...
as the name suggests, Theurgy is very much a religious practice... and yet, magic, miracle and divination were all well documented byproducts of Theurgic practice...
as for Theurgists themselves, some of them were all about using whatever miracle powers they conjured up for ethical and moral purposes... in other words for:
🎶 Truth, Justice and the American Way 🎶
of course, others used whatever powers they conjured up to basically fuck other people over...
[I’m gonna fuck you up now!]
and that’s what led to the idea of sorcery or goetia or black magic...
[naturally]
but in all cases... the power to produce any sort of miracle, whether nasty or nice, lay in the hands of the god, goddess or demon being Theurgically appealed to... not in the hands of the Theurgist...
[that’s alotta fake news. wow!]
[argidurgadurg]
believing that he was clearing up the matter once and for all (and of course, defending Jesus against the slander of Celsus) Origen wrote:
...that which is brought about by the might of God has nothing in common with the product of sorcery.
and by sorcery, of course, he meant the might or power of demons...
but of course, that settles nothing... human nature being what it is, the mighty god or goddess of YOUR faith, belief, trust, and religion is bound to be somebody else’s demon...
real Theurgy, which is no joke, involves getting yourself right with your god or goddess, whoever the heaven or hell that might be...
[you dare to face a goddess?]
the only problem with Theurgic practice involves figuring out if the god or goddess you worship isn’t really just a reflection of your own selfish ego as opposed to your own soul... because psychologically speaking, getting yourself right with your God, really does mean getting yourself right with yourself...
and in this culture, that ain’t no easy task...
in fact, in any culture, getting yourself right with yourself is such a miracle, that throughout history, it actually allowed Theurgists to perform all sorts of wild and crazy miracles... stuff that nobody seems able to do anymore...
[it really, really, fucking sucks]
I don’t know about you, but I suspect that our current inability to perform Theurgic miracles has way more to do with the serious difficulties we all face in getting to know who the hell we really are... than any other possible reason...
I mean really... given the non-stop distractions of modern life and technology, how the hell are we supposed to get right with ourselves when paying attention to who that self might actually be is the last thing on the to-do list of any typical day...?
[I don’t know]
[hey, check your blood sugar]
*🎶*🎶*
PART THREE [21:04]
TEIL DREI: In which we get the deets on the first ever game of Simon Says
[there’s no need to memorize complex rules]
[so, Simon Says: let’s play]
[yay]
okay, so Justin Martyr never specifically said: Simon Says...
[did somebody do it?]
uh yup... in the year 180 CE a guy by the name of Saint Irenaeus did... and in doing so, he pretty much invented the game of Simon Says...
[really?]
just one thing...
[what?]
Irenaeus called it Simon Said, but why quibble... you know, first iteration and all...
[dad joke groans]
actually, that first game was a kinda mash-up of Simon Says and Telephone... in it, Irenaeus passed on the salacious business he’d heard from Justin about Simon’s girlfriend, Helena, but then he managed to add something extra...
[what’s that?]
he gave the game a nice New Age touch by mentioning Helena’s past lives...
[oh boy, oh boy]
so you ready for this...?
[why the fuck not?]
Simon Said:
(Helena passing from life to life and) from body to body, and suffering insults in every one of them, at last became a common prostitute...
[oh that’s not good]
Simon Said:
he came to free her from slavery...
[that’s nice]
Simon Said:
he was the messiah who conferred salvation upon men...
[interesting]
Irenaeus Said: Simon was the world’s first heretic...
[oops, sorry, um, um, you’re wrong]
[game over]
Simon didn’t say that...
[oh no!]
hey don’t worry, it’s only the first round of Simon Says...
obviously, Simon didn’t call himself a heretic... Irenaeus did...
not only that, in order to have heretics, you’ve first gotta have a nice, rigid dogmatic creed for someone to deviate from...
[naturally]
except back in the time of Irenaeus, there wasn’t one...
[excuse me?]
fact is, there wasn’t gonna be a creed for another 150 years or so — not until the First Council of Nicea in 325 CE
which, by the way, made it an official rule that no priest was allowed to turn himself into a eunuch!
[oh brother]
I guess Irenaeus was just a man ahead of his time... showing all the future generations of heretic hunters how do it...
see once you DO have an official creed, you need a whole bunch of conservative, orthodox Virgos and Capricorns like Irenaeus to keep their finger on the button, so that whenever anyone says something that isn’t in the creed you hear:
🎶 [wrong answer buzzer] 🎶
[you’re wrong!]
[definitely!]
🤡🤓👹
Time for another gratuitous aside:
back around the year 180 AD Irenaeus put out 5 volumes of text doing his best to insist on the legitimacy of a Christianity that eventually ossified, er, I mean solidified, into Roman Catholicism... he did so, of course, by calling all sorts of Christianized Gnostic sects, including the one that considered Simon Magus its founder, heretical... the collection of volumes was called by the title of its Latin translation Adversus Haereses (Against Heresies)
🤡🤓👹
*** 📚🤓 Nerd Alert
of course if you want to nerd out, the original title was:
Ἔλεγχος καὶ ἀνατροπὴ τῆς ψευδωνύμου γνώσεως, Elenchos kai anatropē tēs pseudōnymou gnōseōs, "On the Detection and Overthrow of the So-Called Gnosis"
and you can read the Simon Said part on archive.org HERE: Book 1 Chapter 23, and HERE: Book 2 Chapter 31, 32
***
*🎶*🎶*
PART FOUR [25:02]
TEIL VIER: In which we get chased off the Vatican lawn, and find out how they dealt with January 6th two thousand years ago
[you kids get off my lawn!]
about 30 years after Irenaeus a guy named Hippolytus pretty much perfected the game of Simon Says... (this was around the year 218 CE)
Hippolytus may or may not have been a disciple of Irenaeus, which already tells you something about his attitude, but, talk about right wing — er, I mean being conservative-minded...!
Hippolytus was so incensed by the liberal attitude of Pope Callixtus I he made his followers — the Hippolytians — er, I don’t know, the Hippopolitans...?
whatever they called themselves, he made them elect him as pope...
[I don’t think it would be that hard to implement]
now back then, I guess they didn’t think of storming the Capitol, er I mean the Vatican, and kicking the other guy out... of course, there was no St. Peter’s back then, so I guess that’s why there was no Catholic January 6th...
[oh and I suppose you think that’s funny, huh?]
just sayin’, it meant Catholics were left with 2 popes...
[I’m thinking this is a double duality]
and whaddya know, considering that the Church was only two hundred years old, this wasn’t even a first... I mean Hippolytus wasn’t even the first antipope...
now I don’t know where Hippolytus had his office, but during his reign, a few more Vatican popes came and went, until finally, the Roman emperor, Maximinus Thrax, kicked both popes out and had them banished to Sardinia which, I guess, at the time, was considered a pretty nasty sorta place...
[I hate it with a passion]
well, I don’t know about that but, you ever hear of Casu Martzu...?
[it’s some shitty ass wine]
well, no it’s not... it’s the Sardinian cheese that isn’t ready to eat until you can see maggots start squirming around in it...
[yummy!]
oddly enough the author of our fairytale might not have been able to play Simon Says... and certainly not with Hippolytus...
[why not?]
because the books in which he wrote Simon Says were lost to posterity for about 1,000 years and were only re-discovered in 1842... 30 years after the Grimms First Edition...
***
Hippolytus' text is known as the Philosophumena... or, the Refutation of All Heresies... Books IV-X were recovered in 1842 in a manuscript at Mount Athos, while books II and III remain lost
***
but we still run into Hippolytus down here in this Theurgic tunnel... because in Book VI he relates a good chunk of the so-called Apophasis Megale, which is a huge record of all the things Simon said to his happy campers back at Camp Simon...
while it makes for an interesting read, I’m just gonna give you two little heretical, obstetrical snippets from it...
[huh?]
Simon Says:
Paradise is the womb...
[this is disgusting... I love it!]
Simon Says:
the river irrigating the Garden of Eden is the umbilical cord
[I’m not saying nothing]
*** 📚🤓 Nerd Alert
Hippolytus' text, the Philosophumena, is fairly educational from a theological and literary perspective, at least...
you can read where those 2 obstetrical quotes came from: (Book 6, Chapter 9)
you can also check out Book 4 in which he spends a good 60 pages bad-mouthing astrology
***
as I said, our fairytale author didn’t have access to Hippolytus and these fairly direct Simon Says quotes, but would have had access to some of those ideas from a Latin text published in Europe as early as the 16th century...
I’m talking about the so-called Panarion...
[he scores! Artemi Panarin! it’s a power play goal!]
uh, not Panarin... it’s Panarion
[dad joke groans]
The Panarion was written around the late 4th century... by a very cranky guy whose name was Epiphanius...
[you kids get off my lawn]
well, I don’t know if he had a lawn, but you can tell Epiphanius was cranky because he was just like Professor Wagstaff of Huxley College...
[what?]
whatever it is, he’s against it...
[you’re kidding, right?]
hey, I kid you not...
🎶 whatever it is, I'm against it! 🎶
[oh boy]
the title of 71 of its 80 chapters begins with the word Against...
*** 📚🤓 Nerd Alert
(hey, check out table of contents for Book 1 HERE and the table of contents for Book 2 HERE)
The original text was written in Koine Greek. Three Latin versions were published in the 16th and 17th centuries...
it also includes Simon’s very gnostic sort of take on cosmology — which isn’t so much boring as very, very busy, and requires a helluva lot of concentration to wrap your brain around... especially if your idea of theologic cosmology is firmly rooted in the first four chapters of Genesis...
***
for our purposes, Chapter 21 is called: Against Simonians and it lists about 20 things that would make a great game of Simon Says, except Epiphanius was so incensed by everyone and everything outside the confines of orthodoxy, he completely screws up the game because he always forgets to say Simon Says, or even Simon Said...
of course, as a typically 😇😇 [Fair and Balanced] ⚖️⚖️ reporter, he did manage to give the world a taste of Simon’s ideas...
except, we don’t know exactly what Simon said, or even how he said it, since his original words disappeared in some, um, pious, and remarkably thorough book burnings...
Still, the Panarion makes for hilarious reading... if only because Epiphanius can’t help using the kind of snide remarks and sarcastic asides that would easily make him a Fox News favorite...
[anybody who disagrees with me is just a fucking bitch]
[fair and balanced]
so I’m not gonna read any of this Panarion business to you...
[thank you]
but I do wanna share just a taste of something much more entertaining than even those comical Adventures, er I mean, Acts of Peter... except, oh boy, the Cumean Sibyl is giving me the high-sign again, so I guess it’s time for another pit-stop...
[box and confirm]
in our next episode we’re gonna get to that 3rd round of Simon Says when we take a look at one of the very first historical novels ever written: a medieval best-seller known as the Clementine Recognitions...
[oh boy]
I know... catchy title right...?
trust me, it really is hilarious, as well as being historically important...
and I know it may seem like we’re standing still, but we’re still working our way through the Theurgic symbolism in Hansel’s Moon Rocks, and boy did that kid collect a whole bunch of them...
[I have a good one. Oh that’s my industrial]
in the meantime...
[talk amongst yourselves]
[no, we don’t have a website]
yes we do, and, you know the drill...
[visit us on the web @wwwww...]
betweenthelines.xyz...
[oh that’s funny, I’m flying a cursing Curt]
🎶 they call me a god 🎶
[this recording will self destruct in 5 seconds]
Alrighty then, ciao a tutti...
🎶 ding 🎶
[this will work alot better once we get an aswering tape installed]
[ciao, ciao]
got a question, or just want to say hi...?
*Chapter Titles read by Anna Jacobsen*
Music Credits
*🎶*🎶* Bleeping Demo by Kevin MacLeod of filmmusic.io
🎶 Anachronist 🎶 by Kevin MacLeod and licensed under filmmusic.io/standard-license
🎶 They Call Me a God 🎶 courtesy of NEFFEX and YouTube Studio
kristo's awesome Peanut Gallery
(in order of appearance, and most, courtesy of freesound.org)
@00:00 "welcome" courtesy of Audeption and freesound.org
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@00:04 "you’re scaring me" courtesy of vanceparley and freesound.org
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@00:10 "immature audiences..." courtesy of cognito perceptu and freesound.org
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@00:14 🎶 heavenly choir 🎶 courtesy of liezen3 and freesound.org
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@00:19 F-Bombs warning: (special) thanks to our good friend Ame Sanders of stateofinclusion.com
@00:31 "I like it!" courtesy of nuncaconoci and freesound.org
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@00:34 🧨 🧨 🧨 nuclear F-Bomb blast 💥︎ 💥︎ 💥︎ courtesy of CGEffex and freesound.org
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@00:38 🎶 dramatic organ intro 🎶 courtesy of Aeonemi and freesound.org
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@00:46 🎶 deep church bell 🎶 courtesy of Aeonemi and freesound.org
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@01:03 "This is gonna suck" courtesy of nooc
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@01:18 "I hope this is worth it" courtesy of AmeAngelofSin and freesound.org
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@01:20 "Yes! This is amazing..." courtesy of Duisterwho and freesound.org
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@02:23 "boating..." courtesy of mrrap4food and freesound.org
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@02:39 "worst possible things" courtesy of MadamVicious and freesound.org
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@02:50 "I'm handsome..." - Muhammad Ali
@02:56 "exactly" courtesy of bectec and freesound.org
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@03:02 "Fair and Balanced" - Neil Cavuto
@03:16 "Jesus Christ!" courtesy of max_cristos and freesound.org
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@03:21 "What!" courtesy of Reitanna Seishin and freesound.org
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@03:46 "ooh... I like that" courtesy of nuncaconci and freesound.org
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@03:56 "boo! (couple of people)" courtesy of jayfrosting and freesound.org
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@04:47 🎶 inquisition splash 🎶 - MP
@04:51 "oh absolutely" courtesy of bectec and freesound.org
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@04:53 "I got 99 problems..." courtesy of DreStortion and freesound.org
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PART ONE / Teil Eins @05:03
@04:53 "hot tub business..." courtesy of ChrisReierson and freesound.org
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@05:27 "oh my" courtesy of Dakotagrvtt50 and freesound.org
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@05:48 "mumbling - muttering" courtesy of so0rec and freesound.org
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@05:56 "read my lips" courtesy of nuncaconci and freesound.org
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@06:05 "a real wimp" courtesy of Tim Kahn and Amy Gedgaudas and freesound.org
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@06:31 "I'm sorry..." - Linda Richman
@06:56 "not good" courtesy of nooc and freesound.org
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@07:56 "I will follow..." courtesy of Duisterwho and freesound.org
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@08:08 "mumbling - muttering" courtesy of so0rec and freesound.org
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@08:41 "why not?" courtesy of nuncaconci and freesound.org
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@08:47 "huh...?" courtesy of Adam_N and freesound.org
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@08:58 "oh, very nice...” courtesy of ballOOnhead and freesound.org
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@09:08 "what?" courtesy of ballOOnhead and freesound.org
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@09:22 "little dog barking" courtesy of Wax_vibe and freesound.org
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@09:27 "...not tall enough" courtesy of AmeAngelofSin and freesound.org
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@09:39 "Yes! Put your hands up in the air!" courtesy of Duisterwho and freesound.org
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@10:06 "uh oh!" courtesy of DWOBoyle and freesound.org
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@10:07 "capisce?" courtesy of Airborne80 and freesound.org
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@10:19 "ouch" courtesy of girlhurl and freesound.org
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@10:33 "good idea" courtesy of Legnalegna55 and freesound.org
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@10:57 "...well, then!" courtesy of Reitanna Seishin and freesound.org
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@11:19 "yes, I know” courtesy of Roses1401 and freesound.org
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@11:56 "yes sir!" courtesy of theuncertainman and freesound.org
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@12:09 "we're just friends” courtesy of Tim Kahn and Amy Gedgaudas and freesound.org
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@12:17 "you're disgusting" courtesy of deleted_user_1390811 and freesound.org
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PART TWO / Teil Zwei @12:24
@12:34 "fair and balanced questioning" - Neil Cavuto
@12:36 "...not funny" courtesy of cognito perceptu and freesound.org
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@12:47 "fair and balanced" - Neil Cavuto
@13:24 "damn!" courtesy of Tim Kahn and Amy Gedgaudas and freesound.org
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@14:04 "what’s that?" courtesy of ballOOnhead and freesound.org
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@14:12 "demons..." - 45
@14:15 "hmm..." courtesy of agent vivid
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@14:21 "No!" courtesy of theuncertainman and freesound.org
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@14:52 "alotta fake news..." - 45
@15:02 "uhh, excuse you..." courtesy of Alivvie and freesound.org
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@15:07 "fair and balanced" - Neil Cavuto
@15:23 "that's just made up" - 45
@15:54 “...I could just fly around...” courtesy of Krystal Flores and freesound.org
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@16:08 "...what a terrible curse!" - Sir Joseph Whemple
@16:11 "ahem" courtesy of Alivvie and freesound.org
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@16:56 "I like that!" courtesy of FreqMan and freesound.org
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@17:37 "Truth, Justice..." - a super voice
@17:51 "I will fuck you up!" courtesy of Duisterwho and freesound.org
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@17:59 "oh absolutely" courtesy of bectec and freesound.org
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@18:18 "alotta fake news..." - 45
@18:26 "argidurgadurg" courtesy of qubodup and freesound.org
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@19:21 "you dare to face a goddess?" courtesy of sagetyrtle and freesound.org
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@21:32 "it really sucks..." courtesy of Krystal Flores and freesound.org
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@20:56 "...I don't know" courtesy of Duisterwho and freesound.org
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@21:00 "...blood sugar" courtesy of ballOOnhead and freesound.org
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PART THREE / Teil Drei @21:04
@21:16 "...complex rules" courtesy of SampleScience and freesound.org
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@21:19 "let's play..." - Mike the Chameleon
@21:23 "yay (sorta)" courtesy of Kurck and freesound.org
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@21:32 "did somebody...?" courtesy of Krystal Flores and freesound.org
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@21:49 "really...?" courtesy of juror2 and freesound.org
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@21:52 "what?" courtesy of Roses1401 and freesound.org
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@22:03 dad joke groans" courtesy of TeamMasaka and freesound.org
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@22:26 "what’s that?" courtesy of ballOOnhead and freesound.org
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@22:37 "(an exasperated) oh boy... oh boy..." courtesy of AmeAngelofSin and freesound.org
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@22:42 "why the fuck not?" courtesy of cheesepuff and freesound.org
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@22:59 "that's not good" courtesy of bectec and freesound.org
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@23:06 ”that’s nice" courtesy of LG and freesound.org
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@23:15 "interesting..." courtesy of Reitanna Seishin and freesound.org
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@23:24 "you're wrong" courtesy of John Scott and freesound.org
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@23:28 "game over" courtesy of qubodup and freesound.org
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@23:33 "oh no" courtesy of bogenseeberg and freesound.org
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@23:56 "naturally" courtesy of bectec and freesound.org
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@24:02 "excuse me?" courtesy of bectec and freesound.org
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@24:25 "oh brother!" courtesy of max_cristos and freesound.org
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@24:54 🎶 buzzer 🎶 courtesy of -Andreas and freesound.org
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@24:55 "you're wrong" courtesy of John Scott and freesound.org
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@24:59 "definitely" courtesy of bectec and freesound.org
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PART FOUR / Teil Vier @25:02
@25:16 "get off my lawn!" courtesy of HootOwl and freesound.org
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@25:21 "asshole" courtesy of Iceofdoom and freesound.org
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@26:15 "...not that hard to implement" courtesy of Krystal Flores and freesound.org
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@26:35 "oh, and I suppose you think that’s funny, huh..." courtesy of shawshank73 and freesound.org
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@26:43 "...double duality" courtesy of Krystal Flores and freesound.org
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@27:29 "...shitty ass wine" courtesy of Krystal Flores and freesound.org
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@27:41 "yummy!" courtesy of dorr1 and freesound.org
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@27:51 "why not?" - Dayton Allen
@28:41 "huh???" courtesy of a13389 and freesound.org
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@28:49 "this is disgusting...!" courtesy of Iceofdoom and freesound.org
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@29:01 I'm not sayin' nuthin' courtesy of Anzbot and freesound.org
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@29:28 "Artemi Panarin...!" - Sam Rosen
@29:41 dad joke groans" courtesy of TeamMasaka and freesound.org
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@29:55 "get off my lawn!" courtesy of HootOwl and freesound.org
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@30:10 "what...??" courtesy of Alivvie and freesound.org
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@30:14 "you're kidding, right?" courtesy of max_cristos and freesound.org
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@30:19 🎶 "I'm against it...!" 🎶 - Professor Wagstaff
@30:23 "oh boy" courtesy of unfa and freesound.org
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@31:03 "fair and balanced" - Neil Cavuto
@31:40 "you know what I think...???" courtesy of Krystal Flores and freesound.org
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@31:45 "fair and balanced" - Neil Cavuto
@31:50 "thank you" courtesy of Legnalegna55 and freesound.org
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@32:11 "Box and Confirm" - Christian Horner
@32:31 "(an exasperated) oh boy... oh boy..." courtesy of AmeAngelofSin and freesound.org
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@32:31 "I have a good one..." courtesy of Krystal Flores and freesound.org
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@33:02 "talk amongst yourselves" - Linda Richman
@33:05 "We don't have a website" courtesy of Krystal Flores and freesound.org
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@33:12 "visit us on the web @ WWWWWs…" courtesy of WillFitch1 and freesound.org
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@33:21 "oh that's funny..." courtesy of Krystal Flores and freesound.org
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@33:37 "this recording will self-destruct..." courtesy of Richard Frohlich / FreqMan and freesound.org
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@33:40 this will work alot better... courtesy of ChrisReierson and freesound.org
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@33:40 🎶 sound of timer ticking 🎶 courtesy of jaythurber and freesound.org
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@33:45 🎶 toaster oven bell 🎶 courtesy of sethlind and freesound.org
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@33:47 "ciao, ciao" courtesy of Nighteller and freesound.org
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