In Ep. 29 we get hold of a super-early draft of Life of Brian, a former pimp and gangbanger regales us with his exploits, and we order pizza but end up with a messy plate of stew, instead
Part 1 [08:04] - In which the all time greatest game of Simon Says gets its due Recognitions
Part 2 [14:40] - In which we hear about the origins of Pizzagate from 1700 years ago, and end up with a messy plate of stew instead of pizza
🎶 🎺 fanfare 🎺 🎶
[uh oh, here it comes. I’m sorry, what? have you seen my earplugs?]
🎶 🎺 fanfare 🎺 🎶
[ahem]
[welcome to this game of football]
[oh boy, oh boy]
[welcome to this podcast]
[well, with all this I thought I was in the wrong place]
[the following presentation is intended only for immature audiences]
[I bid you welcome]
😇 🎶 heavenly choir 🎶 😇
["And God said 'Let there be F-Bombs' — And they were good — And they multiplied — Right here, in this podcast"]
🧨 🧨 🧨 [KABOOM] 💥︎ 💥︎ 💥︎
🎶 dramatic organ music 🎶
🎶 🔔 deep church bell 🔔 🎶
Bless me fader, for I have sinned... it’s been less than 2 weeks since my last episode...
[you’re such a weirdo, I’m going to punish you myself]
[ooh!]
🎶 Anachronist 🎶
Hey there... Welcome back to the Hansel and Gretel Code...
[again?]
uh, yeah... This here is Episode 29...
[ehh, it’s okay]
[let’s go]
[c’mon yo... let’s do this]
[come on]
[hey. hey you]
[go, go, go!]
In our last episode we learned about a bunch of Vatican PR specialists and heretic hunters who really had it in for Simon Magus... not only did they start a centuries long game of telephone to spread rumors about him and his girlfriend — the former sex-worker known as Helena — they actually invented the game of Simon Says...
although now, as I think about it, they really invented its diabolical opposite...
[(a confused) what...?]
well, what I mean is that they had the rules all backwards... so if you actually DID what Simon Says, they’d excommunicate you...
[yikes!]
they had a terrific source of Simon Says material in the so-called Apophasis Megalē or Great Revelation...
[what’s that?]
that was a record of everything Simon said to his friends, supporters and all-round happy campers...
[oh really]
well, those heretic hunters reported it in a 😇😇 [Fair and Balanced] ⚖️⚖️ way, which means that nobody knows for sure what Simon said since they weren’t even quoting from the original...
[why not?]
well, that must have disappeared in some very pious and ridiculously thorough book burnings...
[maybe]
when we left off in Episode 28 the telephone line was buzzing with the promise of more Simon Magus gossip...
[oh, I like that]
stuff that’s even more entertaining than anything that first Marvel comic book gave us...
[huh?]
you know, the, the Adventures of, er I mean, the Acts of Peter...
you remember, it had that holier-than-thou contest between Simon and St. Peter with Simon flying around the rooftops of Rome... that is until God sent someone to knock him outta the sky and break his kneecaps...
[I remember]
that was pretty entertaining stuff, but then some enterprising somebody, building on the success of that story, came up with a medieval best-seller known as the Clementine Recognitions... so named because whoever wrote the story claimed that Pope Saint Clement I was the author...
[I don’t get it, because the name is just kinda boring]
true dat... I think the author was just passing the blame for such a crappy title... whoever it was must have been worse at choosing titles for whatever they’d written than I am at choosing titles for these podcast episodes...
[you got that right]
of course claiming a celebrity as author was probably meant to boost sales...
[naturally]
it was supposed to give the book a cachet of celebrity, holiness and truth the real author couldn’t command...
[it didn’t cross my mind]
after all, Clement, who died in the year 99 CE, was on the all-time podium of popes...
[what are are you talking about?]
he was the 2nd or 3rd pope after number one: St. Peter...
so if it was Clement, it would mean the book was written in the 2nd century, but it didn’t become a best seller until the 5th century...
(and geeze, I hope I don’t have to wait 300 years for this podcast to gain some real traction — so talk it up, will ya...?)
[no, nope, forget it. forget it]
hmmmpf...
the Clementine Recognitions are now known to be part of a collection called the Pseudo-Clementine literature because — just like the Hermetic literature, which was NOT written by Hermes Trismegistus — it’s philologically obvious that Pope St. Clement had nothing to do with writing any of it...
[who cares?]
yeah, I know... philology may not be your thing, but I personally love that sort of literary detective work — which amounts to reading in between the lines... and it’s what we’re doing right here in this podcast...
as I’ve said... the work we’re doing here is going to lead us right up to the real author of Hansel and Gretel...
speaking of Hermes.T. though, I didn’t forget that I’ve promised to tell you exactly who he is / or was... but I’m going to keep you hanging just a little while longer.
[why?]
well, his secret identity is a crucial piece of information, but it belongs just a little further along in either this episode or the next.
[that is so typical]
in this episode we’re gonna get into what made the Clementine Recognitions the ridiculously entertaining best-seller it was, we’re gonna learn a whole lot more about Theurgy, and we’re gonna play another exciting round of Simon Says...
[alright already, get on with it!]
okay, okay, don’t rush me... sheesh...
*🎶*🎶*
PART ONE [08:04]
TEIL EINS: In which the all time greatest game of Simon Says gets its due Recognitions
[I ain’t NEVER seen nothing like THAT before]
the Recognitions thingy is a 1st person novel about the adventures of a guy named Clement...
Clement leaves Rome and sets sail for the Holy Land where he meets a lot of guys right out of the bible, including the apostles... which kinda makes it an early version of The Life of Brian...
[Judean People’s Front...! We’re the People’s Front of Judea! Judean People’s Front...! wankers!]
it’s not Monty Python funny, but it was a genuine best-seller...
for any novel to become a best-seller, you need a villain, and the author chose, you guessed it, our Theurgic hero, the much maligned Simon Magus... and believe me, if it wasn’t already obvious from everything the heretic hunters had to say about him, it’s even more obvious from this Clementine novel that Simon was a Theurgist...
and since Theurgy is, above all, a practice of Intuition, that alone is enough to mark him as an ancestor of the Holzhacker family... and Hansel, in particular...
[and the same, again and again and again... this is repetitive]
hey I get it... I just can’t emphasize enough how digging into all of this historical information on Intuition, Theurgy and Theurgists themselves is going to make ridiculously obvious sense to everyone following the podcast, albeit much later in the story...
and if it isn’t obvious yet exactly how the practice of Theurgy is symbolized by Hansel’s Moon Rocks, I promise that it will be within the next 2 episodes...
[whatever]
in the Clementine novel, Simon’s exploits are recorded in entertaining detail and are obviously based on an understanding of Theurgy as recorded in the Hermetic literature...
in other words, the story makes direct reference to Theurgic, Astrologic and Alchemical practice, albeit from the 😇😇 [Fair and Balanced] ⚖️⚖️ perspective of a thoroughly orthodox Christian writer who obviously had no clue about the value or meaning of Intuition.
[yes, you are right]
so the Clementines didn’t end the game of Vatican telephone, that still had a long, long ways to go, but whoever the hell wrote them, at least they knew how to play a nice long game of Simon Says...
so, you ready for this...?
[why the fuck not?]
okay...
Simon Says:
…being shut up in prison, I can make the barriers open of their own accord...
this is shades of Dionysus from the Bacchae, that play by Euripides we spoke about in Episode 19... remember...?
[no!]
Simon Says:
I can render statues animated, so that those who see suppose that they are men.
that’s a direct reference to the Theurgic practice written about in the Hermetic texts known as the Asclepius... we first spoke about that in Episode 25... remember...?
[no!]
yeah, I didn’t think so...
Simon Says:
I can make new trees suddenly spring up, and produce sprouts at once.
Simon Says:
I can throw myself into the fire, and not be burnt ...
Simon Says:
I can change my countenance, so that I cannot be recognised ; but I can show people that I have two faces.
let me just say this is something that people who hung out with Gurdjieff swore that he could do...
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Gurdjieff
[oh!]
Simon Says:
I shall change myself into a sheep or a goat...
Simon Says:
I shall make a beard to grow upon little boys...
Simon Says:
I shall ascend by flight into the air...
Simon Says:
I shall exhibit abundance of gold, and shall make and unmake kings.”
[really?]
I realize this all sounds like preposterous boasting, but as I said last time... Theurgy is all about getting yourself right with your god or goddess... which really means getting yourself right with yourself... and in this day and age, that would be such a miracle in itself, it’s no wonder nobody seems able to do this sort of magical, miraculous stuff any more...
[some people say...]
historically factual or not, when you read this stuff first hand, it becomes more than obvious that this particular game of Simon Says, combined with the Vatican game of telephone led to one helluva terrific, historical outcome...
[seriously?]
and before I share that outcome with you, I’ve got to clue you into one more important Theurgist from around or just after the time of Simon...
[not again]
***
📚🤓 Nerd Alert
you can read the Clementines for yourself, and this passage of Simon Says in particular, RIGHT HERE...
***
*🎶*🎶*
PART TWO [14:40]
TEIL ZWEI: In which we hear about the origins of Pizzagate from 1700 years ago, and end up with a messy plate of stew instead of pizza
[I did not order that]
[we’ll eat frozen pizzas all day... all day, every day]
so while we’re still working our way through this tunnel of Theurgy, I wanna introduce you to someone you may or may not have ever heard of:
[who’s this?]
[oh God!, oh Jesus!]
a big part of Cyprian’s claim to whatever fame he still has isn’t that the Vatican made him a saint... it’s that he was once a Theurgist just like Simon... he also converted to Christianity just like Simon... but then he went so completely over to orthodox Christianity it was almost as if Joe Biden went MAGA and became an official Fox News saint...
[something tells me that’s not funny]
despite Cyprian’s longtime status as a Catholic Saint, his story doesn’t really fly as historical record... in fact, even the Vatican eventually agreed that he was only a comic book character, er, I mean fictional personage... and so in 1969, they didn’t cancel him, they just uh, demoted him, from Saint Cyprian to plain old Mr. Cyprian...
[ouch]
his story was a real humdinger... it was full of all sorts of gruesome details that just naturally fascinated generations of Medieval Christians... plus it wasn’t just a one off deal... it had three juicy episodes: his Conversion, his Confession, and his Martyrdom...
[how do you know that?]
***
📚🤓 Nerd Alert
you can read the Cyprian's story for yourself in a number of places... Here's one of them
***
the story of his Conversion to right-wing, er, I mean orthodox Catholicism, was a typically entertaining bit of hagiography... it showed Cyprian as a Theurgist for hire... and it detailed his dealings with Satan and a few other demons — all in a failed attempt to seduce the sweet, innocent and incorruptible young lady known as Saint Justina...
[welcome to the flirting world]
it’s a good story, but it was the second installment, his Confession, that really captured everyone’s imagination...
in it, he describes his training and overall career as a Theurgist... and that has him confessing to all sorts of ridiculous Theurgic activities that, in the telling, make him sound like a reformed pimp and gangbanger...
[fascinating]
it’s educational... not so much for what it says about Theurgy, but for what it says about the Vatican PR machine and it’s 😇😇 [Fair and Balanced] ⚖️⚖️ view of Theurgy...
*** 🤡🤓👹
Time for another gratuitous aside:
The Vatican PR machine really didn't get into high gear until 1622, when it pretty much solidified the concept of PROPAGANDA for all time...
*** 🤡🤓👹
so let’s listen in as Cyprian delivers a 😇😇 [Fair and Balanced] ⚖️⚖️] soliloquy on Theurgic practice...
I have committed countless misdeeds, and I cannot tell them all. The women whom I cut open for the demons or the women of noble birth whom I took prisoner. I caused them to abandon their cities, their houses and their husbands. After they had become pregnant from adultery, I gave them medicine. Small children feeding off their mothers' milk, I buried them beneath the earth. Some I suffocated. Others I beheaded for the dragon, who promised me that this would give me strength.
[this is so fun]
Those who had reached the age of maturity . . . young people and those older (than) them. I buried them beneath the earth for the idol who is called as follows: Brandon, er I mean: He is one among the gods. I removed the head of boys for Hilary, er I mean: Hecate, who is called Virgin. Young girls who had not married, I offered their blood to Pelosi, er I mean: Pallas...
[I’m not sayin’ nuthin’]
if you think about it, whoever dreamed up this story was actually writing a titillating piece of torture porn... clearly meant to shock, provoke and entertain it’s partisan readership...
of course, like all hagiography, it amounts to that age-old form of propaganda known as preaching to the choir... something to scratch that gratuitous itch all partisan hotheads have to get themselves worked up and enraged about their opposite number...
[ (walkie-talkie squawk) that is correct]
considering that it was written, close to 1700 years ago, whoever DID write this stuff must have been an ancestor of QAnon, since it sounds an awful lot like an antique, but surprisingly evergreen version of Pizzagate or Frazzledrip... doncha think?
[no sir!]
[you realize some people are not going to be happy with this]
uh, yeah... sure... we’re sorta mixing religion and politics here, which is a double big, fat, dangerous no, no... yet, 1700 years ago, that’s exactly what was going on...
what’s new is old, right...?
[oh brother]
and it’s something we may have to address in a future episode...
[do not do that... please, no, no ,no!]
well, as I’ve said before, I may be a damn good Astrologer, but I’m terrible at predicting exactly what we’re going to cover in our next episode... I’ve got a very good idea about it though... and it concerns the year 1587 CE...
[huh?]
that was the year all the various stories about Simon Magus, St. Cyprian, er, I mean Mr. Cyprian, and a host of other Theurgists, magicians, necromancers, Astrologers and Alchemists all got thrown into a pot and cooked up into one hell of an entertaining Lutheran stew known as Das Faustbuch...
[your German pronunciation must be much better]
see, whoever wrote the first Faustbuch — the original German Faust — used the character and exploits of Simon from the Clementines as a model... hell, there’s even a character in the Clementines called Faust...
[interesting]
and as far as Cyprian goes, the theme of him meeting up and working with Satan puts him right in the ballpark of Faust... but it’s all of that explicit torture porn in his Confession that marks him as another model for Faust...
and yes, you can read about the connection in certain academic texts, but you can only intuit it for yourself if you’ve read both the original Faust material and at least the juicy parts of the Clementines and Cyprian’s Confession...
***
📚🤓 Nerd Alert
you can read the Faust book as it was originally translated into English HERE
***
back in the Middle Ages, it was easy peasy to make that connection because Faust and the Clementines were super-best-sellers that everyone would have read for entertainment... and of course plenty of people knew the story of Cyprian because it appeared in one of the most entertaining books of the millenium: the so-called Golden Legend...
[what’s that?]
a medieval version of Lives of the Saints...
of course, these days nobody but an academic is gonna pick up on these literary connections because who the fuck is gonna read the Clementine Recognitions or the story of Cyprian for entertainment, much less even know about their existence...
[are you sure about that?]
but now, YOU know about the connection...
nicely done, you...!
[why thank you]
the Cumean Sibyl is signaling for another pit stop...
[uh oh]
so let me just remind you that I could use the grace of your support... whether that’s financial or just shooting me an email to let me know that you’re listening... there’s gotta be more than 2 or 3 of you guys out there right now...
[I don’t think so]
and please do check out the website since it’s got full transcripts and credits as well as links to plenty of interesting stuff I’ve mentioned in each episode...
you know the drill, of course:
[visit us on the web...]
@betweenthelines.xyz
[absolutely, not!]
In our next Episode, I promise I’m gonna let you in on the real identity of Hermes Trismegistus
[hip hip hooray!!!]
and the Cumean Sibyl, she’s also gonna introduce us to the real Dr. Faustus... way down there in Hades...
[I don’t want to]
don’t worry, he ain’t no weirdo... and he’s not evil... he’s actually:
[the most interesting man in the world]
[really?]
yeah... in fact he’s the real deal — what you might call a real mensch...
so... until then,
[stay thirsty my friends]
Alrighty then, ciao a tutti...
[this concludes our broadcast day... goodnight, and God Bless America]
[we are over now! baby, it’s over now! baby, we’re done! it’s all over.]
[ciao, ciao]
got a question, or just want to say hi...?
*Chapter Titles read by Anna Jacobsen*
Music Credits
*🎶*🎶* Bleeping Demo by Kevin MacLeod of filmmusic.io
🎶 Anachronist 🎶 by Kevin MacLeod and licensed under filmmusic.io/standard-license
kristo's awesome Peanut Gallery
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PART ONE / Teil Eins @08:04
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PART TWO / Teil Zwei @14:40
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@25:54 "stay thirsty..." - the most interesting guy
@26:00 "...and God bless America" courtesy of crashoverride6 and freesound.org
This work is licensed under the Creative Commons 0 License
@26:08 "it's over now..." courtesy of Duisterwho and freesound.org
This work is licensed under the Creative Commons 0 License
@26:18 "ciao, ciao" courtesy of Nighteller and freesound.org
This work is licensed under the Creative Commons 0 License
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