In this episode (13) we ask lots of annoying questions, there’s an ominous knock on the door, and we all end up on Saturday Night Live
Hi and welcome to Episode 13 of the Hansel and Gretel Code: "We're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat!"
Part 1 [02:32] - in which we set off in search of a nice, calming grande mocha frappuccino
Part 2 [06:04] - in which we find ourselves in a George Romero movie with zombies and trolls, and nothing but a shovel for a weapon
Part 3 [11:03] - in which we find out that we really don’t need a boat after all, although we do have to be careful about who we open the door to
🎶 Schubert - Piano Sonata no. 14 in A minor, D. 784 - III. Allegro vivace 🎶
[you’re going to be here for awhile, so you’d better get comfortable]
[alright, if you insist]
[oh my god, this is just fucking stupid!]
Of course, in our last episode (12) we uh, went to Canossa, and discovered that Hansel and Gretel bread was metaphoric code for soul food... which, according to the 4th Lateran Council, was the religious grace of the original, finger-lickin’ soul food recipe:
[pizza!]
um, no, the Word of God... which, in turn, could only be found in the Vatican franchise of churches, and sold, er, dispensed by its officially licensed preachers...
[that's correct]
we also found out that the Hansel and Gretel famine was metaphoric code for a papal interdiction...
[hmm, what's that?]
well, according to the Vatican rule books, this gave the pope the divine power and authority to cut off the supply of grace wherever and whenever he chose — and so during an interdiction nobody could enter a church, receive the sacraments, or hear the word of God...
[my god! I can't even hear myself think!]
[what part of silence don’t you understand?]
[oh boy, oh boy...]
alrighty, well, that said, here are the first 3 sentences of our fairytale, plus the next, um, bread crumb that advances the story...
Once upon a time there was a poor woodcutter who lived before a great forest. He had it so rough he could barely feed his wife and his two children. Once, there wasn’t even any more bread —
[audience: aww...]
— and he was terrified!
[man screaming in terror]
*🎶*🎶*
PART 1 [02:32]
Teil Eins: in which we set off in search of a nice, calming grande mocha frappuccino
well, excommunication, anathema and interdiction was certainly cause for existential terror in the Middle Ages... So I think we’re really on to something…
[maybe]
it’s also important to realize that just like our fairy tale famine - which happens more than once in Hansel and Gretel — Papal interdictions also happened more than once...
[yeah, so what?]
well, here’s the deal, that particular fact should give us pause to re-consider just when this story was written...
[huh?]
well, seeing as how connected it was to perhaps the most famous papal interdiction of all time, that whole melodramatic meme of Canossa — with the Holy Roman Emperor being forced to beg the Pope’s forgiveness — really seems to have been baked into the metaphor of our fairytale bread and famine...
[yes, I'm well aware of that]
and that tells us it’s much less likely the story could have been written before the 11th century... in other words, BEFORE Canossa...
[why the fuck not?]
Canossa being such a monumental legend, it would only make sense that consciously or not, our fairytale author made use of the emotion it aroused and the profound effect it had on the European psyche — if for nothing else than just the sake of good storytelling...
in fact, the phrase “I went to Canossa” (meaning: I fucken’ had to apologize to that son of a bitch!)...
[OOH!]
well, it’s so potent, it not only exists in every European language, it’s something that people still actually say...
[heh, interesting...]
see, that should give us the sneaking, intuitive suspicion that our fairytale couldn’t possibly be older than the 14th century — the time of the Great Famine and a good 300 plus years after Canossa...
[why, why, why, why?]
because not only is there a second famine in the fairytale, there was, indeed, another super-famous excommunication and papal interdiction in the 14th century... although nowhere near as famous as the one connected to Canossa...
[Keith Jackson telling us: "it will be hard, hard, hard to find a play that will be remembered more than this one”]
now I don’t want to get into the play by play of that particular interdiction here and now... just know that it concerns yet another pissing contest between a Holy Roman Emperor and a Pope...
[ugh...! ew...!]
I’ll leave a few links and particulars on the web page for this episode, okay...?
* * *
We're talking a religio-political struggle between Emperor Ludwig (Louis IV) and the Pope (John XXII). The Emperor had been excommunicated in 1325 and his lands put under interdict. In 1329 the interdict was renewed and vigorously enforced. The Dominicans in Strasbourg supported the Pope but “were allowed to continue preaching and saying mass for a time, but finally, a strict observance of the interdict was imposed, and the friars were forced into exile... This was in 1339.”
* * *
right now, we’ve really got to do something about our woodcutter’s panic attack... this guy could use a Xanax or some Rescue Remedy right about now... although I think the best we can do is maybe find him a nice calming cup of coffee and a blueberry muffin...
[anybody see a Starbucks...?]
*🎶*🎶*
PART 2 [06:04]
Teil Zwei: in which we find ourselves in a George Romero movie with zombies and trolls, and nothing but a shovel for a weapon
you realize, of course, that despite the progress we’re making, we’re still left with a serious existential question
[what's that?]
is religious grace really the best metaphoric interpretation of this now missing Hansel and Gretel bread...? and not just in the era of our author OR that of the Grimms but, much more importantly, how about in terms of our own Zeitgeist???
[who cares?]
Remember, this fairy tale is alive and well today only because these symbols are alive and kicking in us... and I mean in ALL of us...! and that’s because they resonate with some painful personal experience that we ourselves have already had —
[really?!]
— albeit cloaked in the metaphoric costumes of the Hansel and Gretel story...
[bollix, just bollix]
Okay, sure, as far as papal interdictions go, it would seem that only Catholics can legitimately identify with our woodcutter’s terror... I mean, who else has that dyed in the wool memory of absolute obedience to papal authority...?
[nobody, nobody, like nobody]
Protestant families have gone through way too many post-reformation generations to give much of a crap about anything the pope says or does...
[no sir!]
in fact, Protestants, along with Muslims and Jews probably consider the pope to be a kind of anachronistic figurehead — not all that different from the Queen of England... and of course, for them, the Vatican can’t escape the truth of it’s medieval history as a repository of ill will and enmity...
[I don’t like you, I don’t like you at all...]
so what’s their stake in this...?
what is their experience of grace... and of being denied grace?
and again, what the hell is our own experience of post-modern, grace...?
[i dunno]
come on, what is the real-deal, modern day soul food for ALL of us...?
[so how should I know, who even cares?]
well, it can’t just be face-book likes and re-tweets...
[um, I think maybe]
and it sure as hell isn’t winning lottery tickets or scratch cards...
[um, I’m not so sure]
come on...if that’s the case, the souls of the vast majority of us must be pretty much starving to death... although I gotta tell you, that’s not so very far from the truth...
[oh no]
hell, these days we don’t have far to look to find all sorts of ways in which we’re denied grace...
[crowd booing]
and as far as feeling terrified goes...?
fuggedabout it... there are so many facts and fictions in the news that terrorize us every single day and all day long...
[roger that]
and forget about internet trolls... how about the threat of real-life zombies who consider politics and religion, er, I mean terrorism, to be their personal ticket to paradise...
[frightened guy]
as well as the perfect technology for creating their own proprietary brand of peace on earth...
[please, just get out of my face]
and hey, considering the fact that 1000 years ago, converting everyone to Catholicism was considered a necessary prelude to Gioacchino da Fiore’s Era of the Holy Ghost — (remember him from Episode 7)
[no!]
well, the more things change...the more they, um, you know...uh don’t...
[oh well]
so where and what the fuck is true, solid, genuine grace...?
[an exasperated oh boy, oh boy]
where and what is genuine soul food...?
[more exasperation...]
the kind that comes without any need for a freshness or expiration date... and the kind that nobody has the authority or even the power to cut off...
[well, uh, I don’t know]
well, we’ve just got to find out...
and I promise that Hansel and Gretel has a damn good answer to this — for every one of us...
[hooray!]
to get at it though, we’re just going to have to keep digging... right up until the end of the tale...
[sound of digging]
[how long is this gonna take?!]
*🎶*🎶*
PART 3 [11:03]
Teil Drei: in which we find out that we really don’t need a boat after all, although we do have to be careful about who we open the door to
[sound of knocking on a door "open the door"]
so, in our last episode, I said that Herr Holzhacker / our woodcutter was terrified because he was worried about loansharks... and as a result, was having nightmares about Jaws...
well, turns out... it wasn’t exactly him dreaming of Jaws...
[frightened guy]
I confess... it was me...
[uh, excuse you]
see, I don’t often push myself out of my filter bubble or comfort zone because, let’s face it, I’m no hero,
[walkie-talkie sound with “that’s correct”]
and doing that on a regular basis is exhausting...
[oh really?]
whenever I do though, it’s always a mixture of terrifying and exhilarating...
[why?!]
and that’s because it’s one of the most significant ways of getting a taste of real soul food...
[Johnny, is this true?]
uh, you bet you ass...!
[ooh!]
so on one particular occasion, after having risen to the occasion, I had a dream that included the terrifying presence of a Great White shark...
[what the hell?]
in other words, the dream took my experience of stepping up and personified it as Jaws...
[no way (girl)]
and of course, it wasn’t the stepping up part that was personified... it was the ordeal itself... diving into it, especially only half-willingly, made me feel like I was swimming with sharks...
[uh oh]
and as I thought about that dream, my Intuition gave me the delightfully comical connection between the name Jaws and Yahweh...
[you think that’s funny, huh?]
Psyche was telling me that my ordeal amounted to a meeting with the deity...
[no way]
I kid you not... I was learning that an experience of the deity, and an experience of terror are not necessarily mutually exclusive...
[that shit is fucked up]
well that is, indeed what’s happening to our woodcutter... he’s, uh, meeting his maker, without having to jump through the traditional hoop of, uh, you know, uh, dying first...
[you can’t do that!]
in our next episode, we’re going to dig a little deeper into our woodcutter’s terror and, knowing that he really has come face to face with his God, we’re going to find out just why Yahweh has decided to come and knock on his door carrying what’s known in German as a Mitbringsel: a little hostess gift...
[that's nice]
well, thanks for listening...
🎶 Schubert - Six Musical Moments, D. 780 - III. Allegro moderato in F minor 🎶
remember that you can find transcripts for each episode of the Hansel and Gretel Code on the website: betweenthelines.xyz
and please do
[don’t bother me, can’t you see I’m busy]
and I sure hope you’re enjoying it... since I sure as hell enjoy sharing it with you...
and once again, if you would please, please, please share it with someone you think might enjoy it too... that would make um, like, 4 or 5 of us now...
[oh my god]
just remember that if you’d like a free copy of the original manuscript version of the story — the one I’m using here — just go to the website and send me an email requesting the pdf... hit the link that says: “Talk to me” and tell me you want the pdf... easy peasy...
This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
I’ll send it to you and put you on my mailing list...
alrighty, then... ciao a tutti...
[ciao, ciao]
*Chapter Titles read by Anna Jacobsen*
Music Credits
*🎶*🎶* Bleeping Demo by Kevin MacLeod of filmmusic.io
Schubert - Piano Sonata no. 14 in A minor, D. 784 - III. Allegro vivace - performed by Paul Pitman and courtesy of musopen.org
Schubert - Six Musical Moments, D. 780 - III. Allegro moderato in F minor - performed by Sofja Gülbadamova - licensed under Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 and courtesy of musopen.org
kristo's awesome Peanut Gallery
(courtesy of freesound.org)
[00:05] "ciao" courtesy of Nighteller and freesound.org
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[00:21] "you're going to be her for awhile..." courtesy of ballOOnhead and freesound.org
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[00:26] "if you insist" courtesy of bogenseeberg and freesound.org
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[00:28] "just fucking stupid" courtesy of deleted_user_1390811 and freesound.org
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[00:52] "pizza" courtesy of Nighteller and freesound.org
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[01:09] "that's correct" courtesy of bogenseeberg and freesound.org
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[01:17 ]“hmmm, what’s that?” courtesy of pyro13djt and freesound.org
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[01:40] "my god, I can't even hear myself think" courtesy of deleted_user_1390811 and freesound.org
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[01:42] "what part of silence...?" courtesy of ballOOnhead and freesound.org
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[01:46] “an exasperated, “oh boy... oh boy...” courtesy of AmeAngelofSin and freesound.org
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[02:18] audience: aww courtesy of vahdena and freesound.org
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[02:23] man screaming in terror courtesy of jorickhoofd and freesound.org
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Part 1 [02:32]
[02:56] “maybe” courtesy of deleted_user_1390811 and freesound.org
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[03:08] “yeah, so what?” (girl) courtesy of deleted_user_1390811 and freesound.org
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[03:18] "huh...?" courtesy of Adam_N and freesound.org
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[03:39] "yes, I'm well aware of that" courtesy of ballOOnhead and freesound.org
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[03:51] “why the fuck not?" courtesy of cheesepuff and freesound.org
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[04:19] "ooh!" courtesy of Reitanna Seishin and freesound.org
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[04:30] "interesting..." courtesy of Reitanna Seishin and freesound.org
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[04:47] "why x4" courtesy of Reitanna Seishin and freesound.org
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[05:29] "ugh, ew!" courtesy of isabellaquintero97 and freesound.org
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Part 2 [06:04]
[06:27] "what's that?" courtesy of ballOOnhead and freesound.org
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[06:46] "who cares?" courtesy of ballOOnhead and freesound.org
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[07:03] "really?!" courtesy of Reitanna Seishin and freesound.org
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[07:40] “no sir!” courtesy of theuncertainman and freesound.org
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[08:01] "I don’t like you, I don’t like you at all" courtesy of Airborne80 and freesound.org
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[08:18] “I dunno” courtesy of nfrae and freesound.org
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[08:27] so how should I know..." courtesy of ballOOnhead and freesound.org
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[08:33] "um, maybe..." courtesy of cognito perceptu and freesound.org
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[08:40] "um, I'm not so sure" courtesy of cognito perceptu and freesound.org
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[08:55] "oh, no!" courtesy of AmeAngelofSin and freesound.org
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[09:03] crowd booing courtesy of tim.kahn and freesound.org
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[09:18] “roger that” courtesy of theuncertainman and freesound.org
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[09:31] frightened guy courtesy of jorickhoofd and freesound.org
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[09:39] "please just get out of my face" courtesy of scatlin and freesound.org
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[09:56] “No!” courtesy of theuncertainman and freesound.org
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[10:03] "oh well" courtesy of jhillam and freesound.org
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[10:10] another exasperated, “oh boy... oh boy...” courtesy of AmeAngelofSin and freesound.org
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[10:15] and yet more exasperation: “oh boy... oh boy...” courtesy of AmeAngelofSin and freesound.org
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[10:28] "well, i-don't-know" courtesy of daphneporras and freesound.org
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[10:42] “hooray!” courtesy of javapimp and freesound.org
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[10:49] sound of shoveling courtesy of monotraum and freesound.org
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[10:55] "how long is this gonna take?" courtesy of shawshank73 and freesound.org
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Part 3 [11:03]
[11:12] knock on door / "open the door" courtesy of Legnalegna55 and freesound.org
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[11:35] frightened guy courtesy of jorickhoofd and freesound.org
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[11:44] “uhh, excuse you..." courtesy of Alivvie and freesound.org
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[11:54] walkie-talkie “that is correct" courtesy of cityrocker and freesound.org
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[12:00] "oh, really?" courtesy of xyahka and freesound.org
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[12:07]"why?!?" courtesy of Reitanna Seishin and freesound.org
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[12:15] “Johnny, is this true?” courtesy of Tim Kahn and Amy Gedgaudas and freesound.org
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[12:18] "ooh!" courtesy of Reitanna Seishin and freesound.org
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[12:30] "what the hell?!" courtesy of Reitanna Seishin and freesound.org
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[12:39] "no way!" (girl) courtesy of prucanada and freesound.org
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[12:54] "uh-oh" courtesy of DWOBoyle and freesound.org
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[13:07] "you think that’s funny, huh..." courtesy of shawshank73 and freesound.org
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[13:15] "no way” (guy) courtesy of kathid and freesound.org
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[13:27] "that shit is fucked up” courtesy of cheesepuff and freesound.org
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[13:42] "you can’t do that!" courtesy of R_mac and freesound.org
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[15:37] "ciao, ciao" courtesy of Nighteller and freesound.org
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got a question, or just want to say hi...?
Episode 12 - Soul Kitchen Nachos / Episode 14 - Transformation Can Be Fun